The Medical Student Conundrum

When you first enter medical school you hear about it from the upper-classmen... To survive medical school you have to be self-centered.

Initially you brush it off, because you don't know what it means. The further I go however, I'm starting to get it.
Do you want to know what I think about the majority of the time? It's the phrase:

"I should be studying."

When I'm not studying, I've had to convince myself that going out and being a normal person are necessities. Necessities that keep me balanced and make me more functional. Sometimes I think of going out in the context of I simply can't keep studying anymore. I need to be around people, so I allow myself some time away. I see going out for the utility of making me able to study more after having said break. I don't completely let loose when going out though.

No no, let's not get willy nilly.
This girl's got things to do. So, sometimes when I'm out I'm only half there... The other half of me is battling with what we call 'study guilt' or thinking about what I should be doing or trying to turn off the epinephrine and cortisol that is constantly flowing through my veins at high speed because of the high stress nature of my one and only... you know her, that peach, that little sweety...
Medical School.

I've previously told myself that this was ok, that managing breaks for family and friends was important. I'd decided that what everyone says is true: That to survive medical school you have to be self-centered, but I hadn't really thought about how my self-centeredness was affecting the people around me. So long as I wasn't actively being a selfish jerk face (yes, jerk face), I thought it was ok to be half-present. To show up and meet my need for social and in doing so have a little fun and show my family and friends I care and am making an effort, but it turns out that's not really the case.

You see, while being aware of your own half-presence isn't the greatest for your own sense of fun, it's also not so great for those around you.

I've seen it in dating. It's hard to maintain a relationship with my schedule and with the approaching demands of 3rd year, 80 hour work weeks, and studying for shelf exams on top of all that, I imagine it will only get harder. There have been a couple of guys I've found myself pull away from, because I felt guilty about the fact that I physically could not meet their emotional needs when trying to meet my own basic needs for study, sleep, study, eat, study, stress out, study, and social/mental/emotional/physical/spiritual balance. I seriously feel for the spouses of the students in my class and totally understand why there are med student spouse support groups. It would be hard to date one of us, even harder to be married to one of us... But I hadn't realized how these same things could affect your friendships and your family relationships.

They can.

Whether you like it or not, you're lack of presence is noticed and to be completely honest if you're not careful you can be a damper on the party.

It turns out I've been this wet blanket more than once recently.
This saddens me.
I like to fancy myself a fun person. I laugh. I joke. I play.
Nobody wants to be the rain cloud that crashes the bash.

I am the rain cloud.
Damn it.

Ok, so is my presence/half-presence sucking the fun out of the funfest?

Unfortunately it has been.

So what do I do now?

Well, I feel conflicted. My initial response is to want to pull away. I mean, I don't want to ruin other peoples' fun because I'm stress master deluxe. I don't want people to question whether I enjoy being around them because they don't perceive that I'm having a good time. Like I've sometimes done in the dating game, I feel guilty. Rather than subject my friends and family to this half-presence, maybe it's just easier to pull away... at least for now?

...But that sounds like giving up...

I remember an upper-classman telling me about how he was lonely, about how he was stressed, and about how he'd found himself lashing out against the people that care about him most, his family and friends, isolating himself in his little stress tunnel.

I can't say I've found myself lashing out (though I fully admit I've been a little cranky on a few occasions), but I have not avoided that pitfall which I was told is a necessity of today's modern medical student:

I have become self-centered.
I'm un-fun. :(

No no, it's true. Not always, but true nonetheless. I mostly think about school, my problems with school, my stress, and when I go out what time I will allot myself in which to let loose. I pull away. It's me, me, me, i, me and whether I like it or not, whether I try to provide for the needs of others, to show up for family holidays and vacations, showing up is not enough if you're presence is lacking. It seems no presence is better than a half-presence. If you're not there people just miss you, but if you're half there you're basically just a big raincloud emanating stress.
You're a buzz kill.

So yeah, I do feel a little sad to realize I've been killing the buzz. And yes, in feeling sorry for myself in reaction to this realization I do recognize the hypocrisy.
**i.e. feeling sorry for yourself -the epitome of self-centeredness- for being self centered (#self-centered/self-pitying oxymoron no.1)**

I guess that's also why you'll hear so many medical students complaining about how nobody understands us (#self-centered/self-pitying oxymoron no.2) and how we're the only ones that really understand each other (#self-centered/self-pitying oxymoron no.3). I guess that's also why we're so close... So thanks meddy family. My friends. My brothers and sisters in arms (ironic/melodramatic #self-centered/self-pitying oxymoron no.4) for understanding, for knowing what I mean when I talk about study guilt, and for sharing the burden and self-induced isolation that medical school sometimes creates (#self-centered/self-pitying oxymoron no.5).

...So yeah...
My gut reaction to this realization is to quit imposing my presence on those that I am potentially hurting (#self-centered/self-pitying oxymoron no.6). However, seeing as I've recognized this self-centered behavior and perhaps realized that I have began to slightly (ever so slightly) resemble the socially stunted med school douche that I've always professed to find so deplorable, that's probably not the best idea.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself and being a giant weenie (yes weenie), why don't I try a little harder?
I remember talking a lot about balance at the beginning of last year and my struggle with fun vs. study. While fun initially was winning out, it seems I've lost myself a bit in the struggle.

The score board might show Medschool: 1, Heather: 0... but the game's not over yet.

...And so...
To my friends, to my family... I apologize for becoming a little like the douche I always swore to detest. Please forgive me and know that I love you. If I've ever seemed half present, know that it was not a reflection of how much fun I was having or how much I enjoy my time with you. It was a representation of how stressed I am, the study guilt my thoughts were likely fixated on, and the admittedly self-centered tendency that I've adopted to cope with this wiry little devil we all like to call medical school.

I love you. I'll try harder.

*Yeah... I also realize that the majority of this last year's posts might reiterate some of this self-centered and self-pitying mentality I'm talking about, but hey, I've just got a lot of feelings.*

Tut, tut.
Readers to you too, I'm sorry. I'll try harder.

Love love turtle dove.
Until next time.

-H

Hope

I'm currently on spring break and I'd like to make a little note about what I've discovered between this year and last year's spring break adventures.

Spring break as a first year medical student/expectations as a 2nd year:

vs

Spring break as a 2nd year medical student/Reality as a 2nd year:

There are a few things missing from this year that were present last. Primarily:
1) a beach
2) a plethora of friends
3) delicious noms
and
4) a fit bod

There are also a few things present this year that were lacking last:
1) a few spare elle-bees
*I've relocated my spare time to the campus fieldhouse. Meddy chub, you're going down.*
2) approaching board exams

I might be missing something, but it seems to me that this might have been a downgrade?
Well, yes and no.

While last year undoubtedly sounds better on paper, I will say I'm in a much better place mentally than I've been in a long time so here's to year numero dos!

But what pray tell marks this year as supreme?
Well, it's a little something I'm going to call the recognition of my glass ceiling.

It's something that I've placed on myself that I've been living under for basically always and that I've only recently become aware of.
...You see...

While I think I've actually had a pretty good/great life, I haven't necessarily had it easy (and ok, it is marked by intermittent periods of angst/dark and twisty moments). I haven't come from much and a long time ago I think I told myself that because of that I wasn't going to have a lot. I had dreams

1) To visit Europe, to see Paris, Rome, London, and Versailles
2) To volunteer in Africa
3) To be an example to my brothers and sisters
4) To go to medical school

and I worked towards them, but I never let myself get my hopes up because I knew deep down that because of my circumstances, those things would likely never be a reality.

I kept my head down.
I went through the motions.
And guess what... I did those things.

But still I've lived in this little greenhouse I've created for myself, trying to avoid the heat and fear of hoping that this glass ceiling creates. I've felt like less. I've accepted that I will have less. I've failed to see that I've broken through all those little barriers that I've created for myself.

It wasn't until recently that I even realized this glass ceiling was there. I know my sense of self has not been the greatest (especially during this last couple years... if anything will ever make you doubt your own sense of awesome, trust me it's medical school), but it wasn't until I tried looking at myself from the outside that I saw all the red tape I had placed on myself from the inside. It wasn't until I tried looking at myself from the outside that I realized I'd cut through this tape.

I did go to Versailles.
I did work in orphanages while in Tanzania, saw Stone Town, and visited the Serengeti Desert on Safari during my month in Africa.
I would do anything for my family.
I am in medical school.

I've talked about magnanimity and owning what your worth, but I've failed to practice what I preach. I've been afraid to hope. I've failed to see what I have accomplished and continued to feel like less because less is safe. Less doesn't let you set expectations for yourself. Less doesn't let you down. But less also doesn't allot for hope, and let's face it... a life without hope is a pretty grim place.

A life without hope is safe.
You can live in your little glass house and go through the motions. You can expect less, and by doing so you can try to avoid getting hurt, but in the end I think you'll find that you have really been your own worst enemy. The glass house you've created for yourself has prevented you from living.

This glass house prevents you from noticing your accomplishments. It stops you from seeing that you are not that same little lost girl, that even if you're not quite there yet, you're on your way to making your own dreams come true. Dreams that first existed because you were once brave enough to hope and dreams that you failed to see you'd met, because you'd given up on hoping long ago.

...I won't make excuses for myself, but I will say this...
What is life for if not to live it?

To hijack a few words from my study abroad application circa 2007:
'Rene Descartes taught that to truly live one must resolve not to seek after any particular science but to find what lies inside this great book of the world. I believe that truly living is never standing still. It is continual progression and learning. It is accomplished through experience, by taking an active role in your future and carving your own place in the world.'

I'd like to add to this definition that truly living is being brave enough to hope.

Fear complacency. Fear giving up, but do not fear that which has the potential to bring you the greatest joy. Embrace hope.

This is a journey and we're all just doing our best aren't we?
So dream.
Learn.
Try each day to be better.
And if you ever find that you've placed a glass ceiling on yourself, I urge you to crash through it and be brave enough to hope.

...Yeah...
I know this is erring on the side of motivational speaking, but it's where I'm at today. And to be honest, I think that is a pretty good place. Handle that.

*cheers*

Birthday Cakes and Fast Mistakes

It's a Saturday, cold and dreary. It should be snowing, but a warmer than usual winter has allotted for January rains instead. I'm sitting at my kitchen table studying cirrhosis and liver pathology, but I have other thoughts on mind. I watch the swirling cloud of milk rise to the top of my mug as I pour it in my coffee laced with peppermint and chocolate, my own little piece of heaven and the caffeine necessity when sitting down for an afternoon with my books. Coffee, an occasional break from my usual diet coke habit... 21 days since New Year, that's a resolution I didn't keep... Oh yes... Cirrhosis... 'histologically notable for regenerative nodules and fibrous tissue'... who am I kidding? I'm distracted. I need a break. So now I'm here...

My favorite place for mental breaks and self-reflection- State of Polarity.
I've been a poor keeper of said place this year. I'm sorry for the dormant state of this little blog of mine, but never mind that. I'm here now.

...And I've got something to write about...

It's something I've been thinking about for a while, but something that I haven't fully admitted to myself.

I think I like Psych.

There I said it. Now let the barrage of accusations come:
"Psychiatrist's aren't real doctors."
"Why would you go into that after all the training you've been through?"
"That sounds depressing."

Well maybe... but not to me. I've spent the last year and a half in medical school trying to figure out where I'm headed. I dreamed my entire life of being a doctor, but that meant that I took little time to balance my other interests, to test the waters and see what else I might be interested in, to listen to all the corners of my heart and not just the deafening sound of the single solid overriding goal to become a doctor.

But that is just the thing... I've always been an emotional individual, a deep thinker, a feeler, introspective. I love the body. I love physiology so I thought medicine was for me, but why then have I spent at least portions of the last 2 years plagued by doubt wondering during year 1 if I'd made a $40,000 mistake attending medical school, and this year if it was now an $80,000 mistake, a ball and chain, an inescapable conundrum, something that I thought would make me happy, but that I wasn't now quite so sure of? Even more confusing is the back and forth. I do love learning about the body. It genuinely interests me, but why can't I yet really see myself doing any of the specialties I've considered. What about my other interests... reading, writing, travel, perspective, introspection?

Psychiatry feels like a relief.
It's as if I've been drowning, struggling to kick my legs to the surface as the water attempts to rush its way into my lungs. Psychiatry is that first breath as I finally emerge. It makes sense. It feels right. I can see myself doing it.

I admit that I don't have a lot of exposure to different specialties and I'm keeping an open mind. Next year I'll be on rotation and maybe I'll discover psych is not for me and I'm actually a budding oncologist. Who knows?
But for now, psych feels good. It's the first time since I started medical school that I feel like I have some direction and when you think about it, isn't it the obvious choice?

I've spent my life trying to understand mental illness, trying to make sense of the things that have happened in my life. I've had 25 years, 25 birthdays, 25 cakes to pan all of it out and I'm still working on it, but it interests me. The complexities of the human mind, the ways people cope, the link to mind and body wellness... it interests me.

I have been through a lot. I've felt a lot and I feel like because of that I can see where people are coming from. I can empathize.

There is something inherently beautiful in the kind of confidences that are granted to psychiatric physicians that draws me to it. Your patients come to you often in their most vulnerable states, in the throws of depression and bear their souls to you in almost an act of desperation seeking assistance. At least for me I feel like there are few greater areas of responsibility than that, the care of another at their most vulnerable, a sentiment that can be drawn to more areas of medicine than psychiatry, but one that especially pulls me toward it. In as much as I want to provide that care to my patients, I also feel that I am perhaps especially capable to do it be cause of my experiences.

Compounded by that fact, psych is stimulating to me. I love to talk. I love to listen. I love hearing the perspectives of others. I love to see the way that their experiences have shaped their world view in ways that are often so much different than mine. There is a beauty in seeing the world through the eyes of another and I feel like by doing so it helps me understand myself better.

...So, at least for right now...
Psych feels like home.

It eases my concern that I've made two years of fast mistakes, and gives me hope that this is actually where I am supposed to be. It inspires me. It excites me. I can picture myself doing it, connecting with my patients and having a lifestyle that still allows for my own personal reflection and growth. One that will allow me to write, to travel, to explore, and to hash out the never ending questions I have regarding perspective, experience, the where's and why's, and this existence in general.

I'm excited. I'm hopeful. I'm going to pick up my coffee and resume my study of cirrhosis, but that is where I'm at. This girl prone to indecision with an affinity for things on polar ends of the spectrum is finally finding some direction.

Wish me luck!

A New Year My Dear

It's been a minute so let's play a little catch up.

I passed my last block,

Spent a week in Mexico attending and officiating (yes, I'm now a registered minister- go figure) at my brother's destination wedding in Guadalajara then spent the rest of the week with fam in Puerto Vallarta.

I had a good Christmas at home with the fam,

...And...

A pretty awesome New Year in Park City, which included a lot of dancing and a fairly awesome New Year's kiss from an ok incredibly hot (I mean major!) super babe, which I will likely (and perhaps sadly) not hear from again... but still he kissed me, he's hot, and I'll take it.

So although we're now five days in to 2012 and I didn't necessarily make resolutions per se, there are a few goals I have in mind for this year:

1. Rock boards.
Passing will be sufficient, but come on- I'd like to rock 'em!
2. Rock class
3. Accomplish #1 and #2 while preserving my sanity
4. Get back to the gym
Motivation to be healthy and strong/work off the holidays vs becoming a twiggy stick insect...
**All those Thanksgivings pies and Christmas fudge were not worth these chubby thighs or this tummy pudge!**
5. Emphasize the positive
Perspective is reality

Welcome to the second half of my second year of medical school.
Let's Go!

Shake it Out

Bombed my last exam. BOMBED it.

...but...

As my girl Florence and the Machine sings--> I'll Shake it Out. It's always darkest before the dawn.
(click the link to have a listen)

Next exam: 1 week... We're studying pulmonology - must love lungs! Let's go.

p.s. There is supposedly a very attractive Kiwi (New Zealander) pulmonologist that will be teaching us. It's the little things in life that bring you joy. A girl's got to look forward to what she can :).

true to me

If you recall when I started this blog I referenced the fact that I don't really know who I am, that I exist in a state of polarity in which the pros of an issue are also it's cons.

This has not changed.

I consider myself an intermediate in a lot of ways, but still I tend to fluctuate between extremes- I think because I'm not always exactly sure what it is I want.
A compounding issues:

I'm impressionable.

On closer examination of this issue, this is what I think:

I need to give this tendency to be impressionable the finger.


While I think it's good to be aware of other's needs and desires, in life it's most important to be true to yourself.

So what is true to me?

I guess I'm still panning some of these things out and while I often find it is easier to identify what you don't like than it is to identify what you do, I think I've nailed down a few.

1) Being healthy is important
Eating right and taking care of your body make a difference in the way you think and feel. Take the time to treat yourself right.

2) You can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself.
I know this is not original, but it is so incredibly true. Taking the time to get to know yourself and what you value and respecting those same things are more integral to your own happiness and your ability to make someone else happy than perhaps any other single defining thing.

3) Honesty
Integrity has always been a defining feature of my personality... Sometimes I wonder if it sets me up for failure. It seems like so many people lack it these days, those that abide by the standard set themselves up for abuse. Maybe it's true, but it's still something I value.

4) As my girl Rihanna says it: "We All Want Love."

Perhaps the reason why we all want it so bad, is because it's so hard to find. Either way I'll keep looking, but in the meantime...
<3 it!

5) Boys are gross.
I've had some run-ins with some real class-acts this year. After a fairly traumatic encounter with what I'll submit is one of this city's more disgusting male specimens I took a shot at online dating this summer in an attempt to venture back out into the world of men. While this experiment made for some fun stories and a fairly legit restaurant tour, it also led me to discover that I'm not much for dating. Or at least not randos I meet on the web.

This revelation may perhaps have been urged forward by the quality that awaited me on said dating site, but still...
Check out this message I got before closing my account. ew.
6) Not all boys are gross.
Ok... so this is something I'm hoping to embrace, but the fact that I have such a hard time finding nice guys makes it seem like they are either all taken or a specimen of antiquity. I have a lot of amazing guy friends and I adore them... guess I'm just still looking for the one that I like more than a friend :).

7) I want to be a doctor. I will be a doctor.
Med school is a constant kick in the ego. I need to remind myself of #7 on a regular basis.

8) I love my family and my friends (who are also my family).
What is a life without people you care about?


And yeah
...So...
After a shaky semester and a now two year blog project in defining this girl that is me... that's what I've got.
*at least some of it*

Cheers.

whiny bi*

So, I've been a bit of a whiny bi* lately. I know. You don't have to tell me.
A lot of this whining is stemming from a mild to moderately dissatisfying social life (currently on the up), too much time on my hands (time that should be spent studying), and anxiety for boards (which aren't till July).

So I apologize because I also know that nobody likes listening to a whiny bi*, but I appreciate your ears because sometimes that's all we need--> a little mocha venting.

I went through something similar at the onset of last year.
It takes a minute to readjust to the medi life (or lack thereof), but once you embrace it, accept the fact that you can't study all the time without going insane, and let go of the anxiety, things really aren't so bad.
So here's to hoping.

In the meantime, I plan to do a little volunteering. I'll be mentoring young girls and aspiring female docs- molding young minds and such.
I make light of it, but I'm actually pretty excited. I'm on the presidency for the American Medical Women's Association at my school and I've been semi-active promoting women's views this year. I organized a sit down with the orchestrators of the Beauty Redefined project, which is actually pretty cool (check it out) and am in the mix of potentially hosting a screening of the Sundance Documentary Miss Representation. Both are worthy causes that promote women's issues in regard to their portrayal in the media i.e. the portrayal of slim and sexy as healthy versus focus on an actual health standard (Beauty Redefined) and the sexualization and inequality of women leaders in America (Miss Rep).


One thing that kinda sucks about these first 2 years of medical school is the Me, Me, Me, i, Me mentality.
I came to medical school, because I want to help people. The first 2 years of medical school are pretty selfish. I see patients sometimes, but mostly you just worry about YOUR upcoming exams and YOUR boards. Lately I've been focused on me, my issues and anxieties and you know what? All it's done is make things worse. So I apologize for being an egocentric maniac (though I kind of think that is the basis of blogging). I also apologize for the overshare/mocha venting. I'll try to keep the emo angst to a minimum in the future. But in the meantime, I think I better start doing what I do, namely, taking care of people and in a round about way, taking care of myself. First stop, mentoring tomorrow. I'll keep you updated.

Loves.